An ‘I’ Post

A roller-coaster week. So much has happened and much of it seems like a blur. I find it difficult to place what happened on which day and now, here we are at Sunday…was last Sunday only a week ago?

There is so much to do and I’m struggling to find the time to do some things that I want to do. Selfish I know.

I joined and became an administrator of a Facebook group for Head and Neck Cancer. It has been an eye-opening experience. The suffering that people go through with this disease is beyond comprehension. I don’t know where they get their strength from.

Their stories make for difficult reading. I have to force myself to read their accounts. I sometimes have to skip through as the horrors of their experiences are laid bare.

I accept the cancer for what it is. I don’t hate it or feel like something alien is growing in me. I have confidence that the surgeon will make me better and I look forward to feeling well again. I look forward to being able to breathe properly, eat and swallow normally and be out of pain.

I love to walk and walking is a great way to escape and rationalize thoughts. It gets my brain together. It has been so cold and awful over the last week that I haven’t walked - not that I’ve had much time.

Sometimes I get a bit down, but I hope not too down. Miss Linda makes sure that I don’t wallow in self-pity. It is hard to feel down when she’s about!

Tomorrow, Monday we go and talk to the Medicaid people and try and get some financial help. The honesty of the situation is that I am more frightened of the debt than of the cancer.

Sometimes it gets overwhelming for both of us, but then we have to step back and try and take things one day at a time.

The objective is to get rid of the cancer, not to worry about the finance. Not easy to do though….

I have some fun stuff coming up this week. A photoshoot with my friend Susanna on Tuesday! We will go and hit the State Park and try and get some nice shots. I’ve hardly used my camera since November and I am very rusty - there is a lot to remember.

There is a lot of waiting to do. I forced myself to go out today, down to the beautiful beach we have here. It was wonderful. It was quite warm in the sunshine. Why is it when we live somewhere lovely like this we don’t always take advantage of it?

I haven’t been down to the beach for months! I need to get out every day, do some walking, get fitter and get some strength back. I will need it.

I feel pressured just now. Pressured to do things and it is difficult to relax. I also feel guilty. Now that’s a strange one. Why should I feel guilty?

I feel guilty because of the pressure this puts on other people. My family, my friends, Linda of course. I feel guilty for the impact it is having on our lives and the disruption my disease is going to cause in the future. I feel guilty because I have had so much support from others and I’m not sure I deserve it. I feel guilty for drawing other people into my mess.

This is not a pity-party-post (believe it or not), I just want to record how I feel and be honest about the situation. In the future I can look back and read and remember and perhaps think, what a prat!

Writing is very cathartic.

It helps me to unload thoughts and to think things through. So if you do read this post, it is a selfish post, an ‘I’ post, please understand it is meant for me, rather than you.